Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
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I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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