matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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