I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
