dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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