I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
