the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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