I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Please don't give away my fajitas
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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