This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
