Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
