I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
