Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
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Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
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she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
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