she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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