I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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