So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
