sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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