Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
