I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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