the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
He has the fingertips of a God
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