Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
