Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
