I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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