in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
