I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
