At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Randomize
