if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
And then he peed in my hair
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