I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
