So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
