My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He better not be in your backpack
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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