I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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