AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
