I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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