Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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