Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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