I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
