Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
