I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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