I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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