Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
A bitchslap is in order.
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