I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
