Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
