i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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