I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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