We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
