In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
