My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
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i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
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