Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
