Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
