I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
