There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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