I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day ππ#pensacolaproblems
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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