1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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