Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
