Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
