you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
